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When you hit the wall… Five thoughts to help you bounce back

When you are learning new skills there may come a point when you are so far out of your comfort zone that you don’t want to go any further. You feel like you have hit the proverbial wall. It is uncomfortable and looks like hard work! As a result, there is a real risk that you will give up on the new skill and more likely than not revert to your old ways.

What a missed opportunity!! Hitting the wall means you are well on your way to developing those new skills, and that you’ve already come a long way.

Here are five things you should consider when tackling that wall that can help you break through…

1. Recognise what you are thinking. The wall might be disguising itself as doubts, excuses, fears or any other negative emotion. Realising that what you are feeling is the wall allows you to take control again.

2. Understand that the wall is not impenetrable or unsurmountable. If you persevere, you will make it through to the other side, and that will become your comfort zone.

3. Know that done the hardest part already. Just getting started takes so much energy that once you have taken your first steps, you have actually done the hardest bit of the process.

4. You are not alone. When you are feeling like throwing in the towel it can really help you to reach out to others. At work, this could be your manager or trusted peer. If you are a freelancer it might be a mentor or coach or someone else who can give you a helping hand to get through the learning crisis.

5. Analyse the situation. What is causing you to hit the wall? How might you overcome these difficulties? What help do you need specifically? Breaking your needs down into manageable steps makes the process less frightening.

Last but not least… and this might not fit exactly with the go-get-it-now school of thought, but in some cases …. Maybe you are not quite ready to tackle your particular wall…???!!  If you find you do not have the resources or the energy, take a step back and see how you might be able to maneuver yourself into a better position to approach the wall the next time round. That might mean giving yourself permission to wait a while before attempting it again, checking if it is the right wall to scale, gaining more confidence in yourself or learning different skills first that will help you long term.

What walls have you overcome, and how did you do it? I’d love to hear about your success stories!

All the best,

Sarah

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Five basic coaching mistakes and how to avoid them

The main reason why a person would come to a coach for help is because they find themselves going around in circles with a problem that they are unable to solve themselves. Most likely they have already spent a lot of time thinking about the problem, discussing it with friends and family, and they have still not found a solution that they feel comfortable with.

As a coach then, we have a high bar to meet when previous attempts at change have been unsuccessful: helping our client unlock their inner resources in order to clarify the issue, and helping them take first steps in the direction that is right for them.

There are a number of basic errors coaches can make, especially when inexperienced, and in some cases these might prevent your client from making progress. It helps to be aware of these so that you can check your coaching style. I’ve summarised five mistakes that I have observed in myself and others during the learning process – hopefully you can avoid making these yourself!

1) Don’t judge the client. As a coach you will be confronted with many many different stories, and your natural reaction will be to have an opinion. However: expressing your opinion about the situation is not helpful for the client. They will have plenty of friends and family members with opinions about their situation. You should also refrain from guiding your client in a particular direction based on your view of the situation. The coach needs to be a neutral, respectful person with whom the client feels safe – and they will not feel safe if they feel judged and it may hinder your client in their ability to judge what is best for them. You also don’t want your client to become dependent on your approval, so even praising them for their actions could be the wrong thing to do. Use your judgment!

2) Don’t tell the client what to do. You might come across a situation in which the solution is blindingly obvious to you. But – your role as a coach is not to offer solutions to the client – we need to empower our clients to find solutions that work for them. In a sense, you are the expert for the tools and the process, and the client is the expert for themselves and what is right for them. Some techniques require making suggestions in the format of hypotheses (e.g. Roger’s person centred approach), but this requires the coach presenting hypotheses in such a way that the client can reflect on the suggestions and easily reject them if not appropriate. Needless to say, this requires a lot of practice on the part of the coach!
If you are aware of resources that might be helpful for your client, say a certain website, or institution, then of course you can tell them about it. Step out of your coaching role for a moment by saying “May I share some information that might help you” or something along those lines.

3) Don’t try to fill silences. Use silence as a tool. Some clients do their best work in their head, not talking, especially after you have just asked them a particularly relevant question. Bear with your client, respect the fact that they are considering your question, and are working through it. Don’t try to follow up immediately with another question. If the client didn’t understand your question, they will ask you to repeat it.

4) Don’t get complicated. As a coach, you are trying to create an environment in which your client can focus on themselves and their change process. When you ask layered or multi-faceted questions, or use complicated words or sentences, the client is forced to spend a lot of time thinking about what exactly you mean. Time is wasted in which you actually want them to spend thinking about their problem and how to solve it. Keep communication simple and say what you mean in a clear and concise way.

5) Don’t make jokes. At least not until you have the basics right. Humour is really a double-edged sword. While humour can be useful to create a relaxed atmosphere, if you don’t get the tone right, you risk offending or belittling your client, or simply confusing them. Until you know your client well, and you are well-versed in all the other tools coaching has to offer, steer away from joking about the client’s situation.

Overall a friendly, respectful and neutral approach will most likely yield the best results for your client. Have you noticed other coaching errors, either as a client or a practitioner? Do leave a comment below – I’d love to learn from your experience!

All the best,
Sarah

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Four Ways Positive Psychology Can Make a Difference @ Work

One thought I have found myself thinking frequently since learning more about the concepts of positive psychology is “I wish I had known this 10 years ago”.

At least when I was working in Human Resources in the corporate world – and in large organisations known for their HR expertise – no-one ever mentioned positive psychology to me, or spoke about any of the ideas that are basic principles of this research area. I am sure there are HR teams out there who have embraced some of the concepts and tools – and I’d love to hear more about them – but Positive Psychology does not appear to be as widely spread as it could be in the corporate world. I think it is time to change this!

To name but a few of the advantages of a positive approach:

Problem solving: Research has shown that positive emotions enable us to become more creative problem solvers, broadening our outlook and allowing us to make more connections between topics (I can recommend this paper by Barbara Fredrickson). Conversely, negative emotions tend to cause us to have a much more narrow view of the world, reducing our problem-solving capabilities. Evolutionally, we appear to be programmed to have a negativity bias which enabled our ancestors to quickly identify danger and react very specifically (fight or flight!) to any threats. However in an age where many companies are seeking to innovate and think big, the negativity bias is really not conducive to these goals. The good news is, we can supplement our ancient instincts with more modern approaches!

Inspiring leaders: I have seen many employee engagement surveys where employees cite bad leadership as a frustration, often leading to retention issues. I believe there is an opportunity for leaders to adopt a positive leadership mindset to make them more effective at leading their teams and ultimately reaching their goals. When I have observed managers who seem to have a natural inclination to employ positivity as a leadership tool, I saw employees wanting to please the leader and deliver because they were inspired and energised by them, and did not want to let them down!

To quote Kim Cameron (2008):
“In sum, positive leadership refers to an emphasis on what elevates individuals and organizations (in addition to what challenges them), what goes right in organizations (in addition to what goes wrong), what is life-giving (in addition to what is problematic or life-depleting), what is experienced as good (in addition to what is objectionable), what is extraordinary (in addition to what is merely effective), and what is inspiring (in addition to what is difficult or arduous). 

Well-being: Stress at work is increasingly taking a toll on employees’ health, causing more anxiety, increased rates of absenteeism and generally a negative outlook on work. By injecting more positivity, and teaching certain techniques (such as re-framing; three blessings exercise) individuals can learn to deal with daily stresses more effectively and reduce the impact on their mental and physical health. Positive Psychology researchers also champion the idea of stress-related growth – that, given the right support, adversity can actually help us develop certain strengths and beliefs.

Encouraging diversity: The ability to overcome set-backs, put negative experiences into perspective, and continue to focus on goals – in other words: resilience – is one success factor that helps individuals build their career. From my observations, particularly women tend to fall in the trap of attributing successes to luck and circumstances, and failures to their own inability to perform. In fact there is even research that investigates this pattern which is known as the “Impostor Syndrome” (the original research article can be found here , and there is a more recent book by Dr. Valerie Young  that is a great read too). As a result, they can underestimate their ability to make a difference at the top, which I personally consider as one of the contributing factors to the lack of females in senior leadership roles. I believe there is a huge opportunity to teach women to recognise their unhelpful thoughts and how to reframe these in a positive way; to build resilience and encourage women to believe in themselves. And positive psychology provides the tools to do exactly that.

Positive psychology is a really motivating and energising approach to work life, and life in general. It’s hard to see the downside to understanding what provides meaning to you and experiencing increased well-being, and improving interactions with those around you. And focusing on strengths, and how to build on these, is such an encouraging way of thinking about development that it seems odd that you would do it any other way!

For those interested in learning more about how to inject more positivity into their work-lives, or just learning more about positive psychology in general, I can recommend the links from my reading list or the videos. And of course you can reach out to me, I will be happy to share what I know!

All the best,
Sarah

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