“Coming from a family of perfectionists, I get very upset if I make a mistake at work and tend to dwell on it & berate myself long after everyone else has forgotten it! Would you have any advice about how to keep things in perspective please?”
I received this question from a reader recently, and recognized this as a very common problem for quite a few of us. In particular we tend to get stuck in a loop of blaming ourselves and forget to look for other reasons why something might have happened.
There is an excellent model described in the book “The Resilience Factor” (Reivich & Shatté, 2003): the ABCDE model. The model helps us figure out what is triggering our repetitive & negative thoughts, shows us how to interrupt those unhelpful thought patterns, and how to plan a more useful and positive way forward.
Sound useful? Then grab a pen & paper and answer the following questions as you go through them.
A – Adversity: what kinds of situations trigger the ruminating? What is going through your head in those moments? What worst case scenario are you imagining? What pictures do you see in your mind’s eye? Possibly something extreme like “I made this mistake and now I am going to get fired, lose my job, my house and end up sleeping under a bridge” …
B – Beliefs: What thoughts and words are going through your mind? How do you feel? Angry? Embarrassed? Guilty? Sad/Depressed? Anxious? Reivich & Shatté (2002) found that each one of these is linked to a specific trigger:
- Anger – Violation of your rights
- Guilt – Violation of another’s rights
- Embarrassment – Negative comparison to others
- Sadness, depression – real-world loss, loss of self-worth
- Anxiety – Fear of future threat
I find identifying the emotion linked to the belief extremely useful – because then you have a better idea of where to start and what you can do to change the situation.
C – Consequences: What do you do as a result? Do the negative thoughts distract you from other things you should be doing? Do they make you want to hide away? Do they make you avoid those situations in future?
Is your reaction in proportion to the event? If it is not in proportion, what is the underlying theme (these are called “iceberg” beliefs)? Sometimes they can be quite complex … like “I have to be perfect to be likeable/loveable” …
D – Dispute: This is where the really hard work starts, as you’ll need to replace those automatic negative thoughts will more useful ones! You’ll need to channel your “inner lawyer” who can help you dispute those unrealistic beliefs. Here are some starting questions – take look at your notes from parts A&B and see how you can address those thoughts, for example…
- “a more accurate way of seeing this is …”
- “that’s not true because…”
- “a more likely outcome is… and I can do… to deal with it”
E – Energize: What would be a good & positive next step that you can take when a similar situation arises in future?
Two suggestions from my side:
1) Self-compassion!! Don’t be so hard on yourself – what would you say to a good friend in the same situation? Say the same to yourself.
2) Mindfulness – By paying attention to our bodies’ reactions, we can actually reduce our self-destructive thoughts by taking our attention off them and framing the issue more widely.
What other ideas might you have for changing your limiting beliefs in a future situation?
In a nutshell, understanding where those unhelpful thoughts are coming from, and challenging ourselves to put them into perspective helps us identify better ways for dealing with them in the future. In the words of Chris Hardwick… “You don’t have to believe everything you think”!
