I was recently working with a client, let’s just call him Mark, who had sought me out in order to adjust to a new work situation that was impacting his work-life balance. During our sessions, we would define the coaching goal and start working on potential solutions. Mark was really dedicated to the process, spent a lot of time reflecting on his needs and generating ideas for solutions.
However something interesting happened every single time any idea or suggestion came up, regardless of how big or small the idea was. Mark immediately followed up with “but…” and then proceeded to list all the reasons why the idea would not work. In fact, this happened so often, that he picked up on it himself and it became a bit of a running joke.
Mark appeared committed to change, however just by using this little word, he was preventing himself from moving forward and actually implementing the changes we were working on. He undermined practically every idea, big or small by focussing on the “but”. Mark was essentially drawing his own attention away from the good idea to *possibly* negative outcomes. So of course he was then less convinced about following the course of action that a moment before had seemed obvious and simple.
Now Mark is far from the only client to do this, he just happens to be a recent example. Many of us have “glass-half-empty” views of the world and a tendency to dwell on the feared negative results instead of putting our energy into the positives. We are naturally risk-averse, so if our thinking style emphasizes the risks, then we can suffer from paralysis.
So what can you do to get over “but” and make changes to your life, even if you don’t really enjoy the process of change?
Set meaningful goals
Be sure that you identify a meaningful goal. Working with Mark, for example, the coaching topic evolved from “increase work-life balance”, to “get better organized” to the underlying topic “connecting with my children”. This was a profound topic for Mark and generated very different solutions than the more vague work-life balance and organizational questions. The goal and its potential positive outcomes were much more meaningful, so it was worth making the extra effort to overcome some of the fear factor and try new things out. And – wellbeing research in the field of positive psychology has identified meaning & purpose as an essential element to be able to flourish as a person, an added bonus!
Enjoy the experiment
Often the belief that the change will be an all-or-nothing experience has us quaking in our boots. It is much harder to motivate ourselves to make permanent changes than reversible ones. So a simple solution to overcome this fear is to view making a change to your usual routine and habits as an experiment and a learning experience. If the experiment works, great, then do more of it. If it doesn’t, chalk it up to learning experience and try something else. When Thomas Edison was working on his famous invention, he did not actually have one magical “lightbulb” moment, he invented many lightbulbs that did not work until he found the solution that enabled him to develop one that did. “I have not failed 10,000 times. I have not failed once. I have succeeded in proving that those 10,000 ways will not work. When I have eliminated the ways that will not work, I will find the way that will work.”
Remember the tortoise and the hare?
Go slow to go fast. I love the idea of “babysteps” and this is one scenario where they really can work. Taking small, slow, safe steps will help you overcome the fear of change. Choose an action that is simple to complete, celebrate your success and take another small step. And then another.
Reframe with positive words
Focusing on the negatives makes the negatives come true. You get what you focus on, so if you focus on what might go wrong, you will spend less time thinking about what will go right, and how to achieve it. Also, positive emotions generate creativity and an open mind. Remind yourself of the purpose of the changes, and replace blockers like “but” with positive words like “try”, “learn” and “experiment”. Move from “never” to “one day”. Give it a try – you might be surprised how this changes your frame of mind and motivates you to get started.
Use your strengths
Figure out what you are good at, and what resources you have available to you and draw on them to help you through a change situation. Use your skills to generate new ideas, build a support network, get organized, or whatever else you need to do. Thinking of times where they have already come in handy in the past can help reduce the fear factor. And if you don’t know what your strengths are yet, these excellent questionnaires can help: the VIA Survey (free) or Tom Rath’s classic StrengthsFinder 2.0 (as a book or via Gallup Strengths Center).
Don’t give three little letters the power to stop your journey in its tracks. Thank “but” for trying to keep you out of harm’s way, however remind yourself that you are in control here, you call the shots, and above all that you have a meaningful goal that it is worth taking action for.
So what is the one small step you will take today to set you on your path towards your goals?
