Have you ever had the nagging feeling that something is out of synch in your life? That somehow you don’t feel as if you can really be you – be it at work or in your personal life? And that you have struggled to make a decision because it does not feel right, possibly settling reluctantly for a situation or a course of action because you could not identify what actually was right for you?
I have had to face up to that uncomfortable feeling several times in my life so far (and I suspect it will happen again as time goes by…). In every case, I eventually felt as if I was a character in someone else’s movie, looking at myself from a distance and not recognising the real me any longer. Not a pleasant place to be in at all!
But even when you do realise that something is not quite right, it’s not always easy to identify where the disconnect is coming from.
I’d like to share a simple exercise with you that you can use to help you better understand what gives you meaning in your life, to help you pinpoint areas of friction, and as a result perhaps allow you to make better choices for yourself.
Find a quiet moment, grab a pen and a piece of paper and work through the following steps:
Step 1: Reflect on your values. Take a step back and reflect on what is important to you in life. Remind yourself of your values, and your strengths. List all of them.
You might identify freedom and flexibility, or the opposite, safety and reliability as your values. You might discover that you value honesty, or creativity, positivity, family or interpersonal relationships. Whatever it is, it’s important to be honest with yourself and identify what gives YOU – not anyone else around you – meaning in your life.
Write down everything that you can think of that is important to you in terms of values and how you like do things. Take your time … it’s key that you get this right.
If you struggle to think through your values on your own, you can also use an established tool to get you started. I like the VIA survey of character strengths questionnaire (you can find it here) that was developed within the positive psychology framework and acts as a starting point for many of the tools and techniques that aim to help people flourish in their lives.
If you’d like to take a more strengths-based approach you could take the Strengthsfinder 2.0 survey. I find this one particularly helpful in the context of work and career.
Step 2: Identify the roles you play in your professional life and your personal life. Most likely you will play multiple roles in your career and in your personal life. Following the model of the German psychotherapist and coach, Bernd Schmid (1990/2002), you can break out the areas of your life into three distinct areas: career/occupation, professional, and personal.
It’s easiest if you visualise this step, so draw three sections on your paper with each heading above. Then fill out each section.
For instance, you might have professional qualifications that are not part of your current occupation, so make a note of these in two separate buckets. I studied psychology (professional qualification), but worked in Human Resources for many years (career/occupation). In your personal life, you might be a mother, father, stepmother or -father, husband, wife, son, daughter, friend, athlete, voluntary worker and so on. Make a note of these in the third section.
You might be surprised to see how many different roles you play in your life!
Step 3: Compare your roles and your values. You might have already started thinking about this as you made a note of the various roles you play in your life: are your values and strengths aligned in all areas of your life? Can you identify any areas of conflict? Are there any areas of your life where you are trying to be (or do) something that doesn’t really work for you?
This part of the exercise might be tough for you if you are forcing yourself to face up to realities that you would rather not know. But remember, what you do with this knowledge is up to you – you might decide you don’t want to change anything for the moment, and you might take stock and decide to set a new course for your life.
In my case, I realised that my daily job in HR did not allow me to do enough of the things that I loved most. I had sensed it for a while, but it was not until I took the Strengthsfinder 2.0 survey which showed me that my strengths were not as important in my current role as I needed them to be, that it all clicked into place for me. And here I am some months later, doing what I love!
And now what? Now it is up to you! You might find that everything is wonderfully in synch and you really don’t need to change anything. You might find that by making some small adjustments, you can find ways to give your values more importance in your life. Or you might find that you want to make some big changes – in which case you might want to talk it through with someone, and get some additional support. The choice is yours!
Have a great week!
Best,
Sarah
